Trusting Yourself, When You Can't Trust God

I grew up spending my Sunday’s

Tagging along with my mother to church- Morning Star Baptist Church to be exact. My papa preached here and there, my granny ushered, and my mother filled in any position she could. Mostly helping welcome and transition new members into our community. Church for us was Sunday, Wednesday, and sometimes even Tuesday’s, so it’s safe to say I was raised with Christian values instilled into me. As a little girl, I enjoyed the older people giving me various compliments followed by purse peppermints and butterscotch candies. Even more, I enjoyed playing Red Rover, Red Rover, and eating soul food at what we called children’s church. Every 2nd and 6th Sunday, the children under the ages of 11 could go into the back area of the building to play, eat and learn, instead of sitting through long sermons we couldn’t yet understand. As much as I loved this option, soon enough I aged out of being able to dilly dally instead of listen to the word from our pastor. The rebellious spirit in me has always questioned the word- not just from my pastor, but from Christianity as a whole. We were taught things like the 10 Commandments, being kind to thy neighbor. Yet, these teachings felt obvious to me, not owned by Christianity alone. Soon enough into my later teens and early adulthood, life began to throw curve balls, weakening my faith and belief in my religion. As well as my faith and belief in God which would follow right after. 

By 20 I started my career as a cosmetologist in the dead of COVID-19

Not the most typical groundwork for people who work hands to head. I met my coworkers with N95 and homemade masks on our faces, in a once busy salon, now under 50% capacity due to safety precautions. Despite it all, I just knew getting hand picked and hired to work at one of the most prestigious salons would set me on the right path in my career. Graduate, work in my dream salon for 2-4 years for experience, then open my own suite to eventually open my own school- that was the plan. I wasn’t religious anymore, but the little faith I had left wanted to believe that whatever higher power watching over me would allow me to achieve this mapping I created. Until, 7 months in of sweeping and cleaning at the salon turned nightmare, I was let go because of a model not showing up to my haircutting class. I knew it was the end of the road months before I was fired for something out of my control, so I marched out of that salon, looking only forward. It was tough for a little minute to digest the experience I had there, but it was truly a blessing in disguise. I scoured the internet- this time not looking for prestige, but for safety and real opportunity. That’s when I found the coolest urban salon, nestled in Omaha Benson. I didn’t know it at the time, but this salon would help me establish myself as a trusted hairstylist for the curly haired community. For three years, I’d call this place more than my job, it became my home, my faith in being heard by higher powers started to restrengthen. But I learned quickly and abruptly, that all good things truly do come to an end. Around the three year mark, I began to loose my desire to do hair entirely. Looking at my reality compared to the goals I had set didn’t seem to align anymore. I was burnt out, depressed, and drinking more than sleeping. Under the surface, I believed that I wasn’t far enough in my career, nor good enough to become better. Each time I didn’t nail the inspo picture or received a bad review, I would translate it to being a failure. I prayed to God every night for answers of what to do next and how I should go about it. Endless nights of begging for a new path forward, while demanding explanation of why it felt like I was being slowed down. I thought I was being punished by God or the sun had forgotten me, even after so much work and sacrifice I’ve put in. I still believed in God, but it felt like they had stopped believing in me.

Soon after, rumors would begin to circulate

Of our salon owner shutting down the salon for good, without our knowledge. Eventually they got back to us in many forms, but after confrontation, our salon owner would legitimize the rumors into truth. We had 5-6 months to figure out what our next step would be. Seeing how my experiences of working for others in the beauty industry went, I knew I couldn’t allow myself to just go get another job. It was time for me to step into ownership, however my fear of failure spoke louder than my trust in the opportunity that arrived. I continued to cry out to God, scared and angrier than before. I no longer wanted to keep proving myself through hair, but it was all my heart knew. What a weird joke? I would think to myself; I’m released from the job I started to despise, but given the chance to continue what I started in a higher position, while lacking the desire to do so. It felt like even when I prayed, my woes were always answered with a plot twist. Still, I knew I had to keep going on my path of cosmetology. The trouble now was figuring out if had the drive, resources, and know how to continue. Then, in 2023 Morpho Hair Omaha was born. Dramatically, I felt like a first time mother, unsure if I was ready to commit to the new role. Let alone, unsure if I was fit for the role at all. Even through opening my first salon business successfully,  I wasn’t sure of myself. God seemed to be asleep, so I called them by many names- God, universe, self. Hoping that one of the names called would bring back the inner luck and ambition I had at the start of my journey. Doubt would whisper to me that my business wouldn’t even make it past a week of it’s opening. My funds were always tight, network small, as well as my knowledge of business. While simultaneously I was still searching for my passion to do hair again. 

As much as I wanted to let faith flatline

I continued to keep what I had left of her around. As she felt safer than the higher powers who would felt like they lost faith in me. 3 years later into the present, Ive now been a cosmetologist for 6 years, with three of them including being a business owner. It’s funny to look back at everything I’ve accomplished, even through doubt. I still no longer consider myself a Christian, but through my highs and lows of my career, Ive been able to start cultivating my own understanding of faith and god. God, self, universe are all interchangeable to me. So when I doubted and lacked faith in God, I actually was doubting and losing faith in myself. I wanted to believe that God could make things happen for me because my life experiences groomed me to believe I was incapable of creating change in my own life. Every success began as humility and failure. Every loss felt like reflection of my value. Yet, each time I allowed myself to leap into the unknown, even when fear felt paralyzing, I prevailed. Through this I learned to trust myself, when I couldn’t trust god because I realized the two are not severed, they are intertwined- connected by the faith rooted within me. Faith, that when I jump I’ll fly instead of fall. That every harsh lesson is to set me up to not take for granted the powerful roles that have once failed me in the hands of others. Graduate, work in the salon for 2-4 years, salon suite, my own school. I told myself I wanted to be leader and the world opened up the path to become just that, through the light and darkness of my own inner world. 

From being let go from the first jobs of my career

to detaching from organized religion, these experiences showed me how to build trust within the self. To still be able to envision, create and follow through at times when the path is unclear. No matter the name I give my faith, I know I will always be the engine that keeps it powered, even when perfection is far from me. Trust is a relationship with self that is a slow burn, but I am learning to trust the timing within it. I hope my story will help you trust your timing too.